Shit happens. Whether it Forrest Gump coined that phrase, or it
was the Italians back in the 1700’s when they said “le shit le happens”, we can never really be sure of, but we all
know it’s true. And unfortunately for runners, sometimes you just get it has to
happen midrun. We’ve all been there. (Or maybe we all haven’t…if you haven’t, I
have been there enough for all of us so don’t worry). You are zipping along at
a nice pace, listening to your favourite music, nothing
could be better…and then all of sudden you think “Geez I Need
To Excrete Now”…or if you prefer short form- GINTEN. In
fact, we’ll just call acting on that impulse a GINTEN, to keep it PG-rated. Anyone
that’s run with me, or listened to me talk about running will know, a good ol’
GINTEN gets the best of me on just about any run longer 10 minutes an
hour. It’s my Achilles heel if you will. Some runners look at focusing on
improving their speed, others their endurance, and they will do specific
workouts to target their weakness. Me, I need to somehow work on avoiding the
curse of GINTEN, and I’m just not sure how to train for that. Sure I need to
improve my pace, endurance, hills, and all sorts of stuff as well but those
don’t leave me with my pants around my ankles.
Now when you are trail running, it almost comes with the
territory…you can duck off through the trees, off the path and GINTEN your
little heart out, with an abundance of natural TP (leaves) at your disposal. When
it’s a Canadian winter the natural TP becomes snow, which as you can imagine,
leaves you with a chilly bum for the remainder of the run. But when you’re out
running on the roads, it’s a bit of a different story. You are left with your
head buzzing with a million different options, none of them very good.
Do I wait til there’s no cars, and go for the super speedy
sneaky GINTEN?
Do I go behind that house over there and hope no-ones home?
Do I just forget about all the worries and do the
there-for-the-whole-world-to-see GINTEN?
There is no way you can continue enjoying a nice run when
these are the immediate thoughts and this is THE priority in your head.
I mention all of this, because less than two weeks ago, I
got caught GINTENing.
It was a chilly Monday morning in Goderich, and I’d found a
new patch of bushland and new there was a looped trail in there somewhere. So
off I went. Within a few minutes of setting off through the thick pine and
cedar trees, it was not only the cold that made me want to crawl back into the
warm comforts of the car, it was my gut-it was hintin’ for a GINTEN. I thought
about giving in to the urge, then and there at only 1km into the run. I thought
about stopping my watch and perhaps starting over again once I’d made myself a
bit lighter. I thought about why people don’t say “world wide web” yet say the
three times as long “double u, double u, double u” when speaking of a website.
And by the time I’d thought of all these things, I’d complete one loop of the
3km trail and was back to where I’d begun, in sight of the car park where the
car was.
I waddled to the car, trying not to look like hippo about to
give birth to a brown hippo baby and grabbed some tissues. As I headed back
toward the trailhead to find some cover, I saw there were now two cars that
weren’t there when I started, which presumably meant there were at least two
people using the trail. I now had two options of where to drop a GINTEN…left or
right. I picked right, since I’d just come from the left and hadn’t passed
anyone on my anti-clockwise route, and figured that the new trail users must
have also gone the same way. Knowing that it was such a short loop and time was
of the essence, I picked my spot a few metres off the path and did what had to
be done. Midway through, I heard a voice…”Sammy!”. “Sammy come back here!”
As it turns out, Sammy was a big slobbering German Shepherd
with a keen nose for pooping runners. She followed her nose towards me and just
about bowled me over as I was mid-GINTEN. With Sammy vying for my attention, I
hastily finished up my biz, and returned those few metres back to the trail and
put on a sheepish smile as Sammy’s middle aged owner looked at me with a
confused look on her face. In what was an extremely awkward exchange, I said
hello, and she continued to look at me like I’d just come out of the bushes
with her dog while having my pants down. (Which, I guess was technically true).
She continued on her way toward the trail entrance, and I pretended to started
jogging the other way, but instead of feeling wonderful, light and ready to run
post-GINTEN, I felt weird (and still extremely cold), so called it a day, trotted
back to the warmth of the car. I drove back home, where I could poop in the
privacy of my own bathroom, without the risk of being interrupted by a German
Shepherd.
Fail...I dumped
I thought the bush was thick enough cover...apparently not for Sammy
Maybe this book isn't as stupid as it sounds
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